Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
