so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
