I think my fart just growled at me.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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