I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
