Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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