And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
