I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
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I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
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I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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