would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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