I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
