This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through