It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
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You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.