Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now