U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.