I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
