Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
