The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
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you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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