you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
