I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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