I just pynch a tree in the face
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
