doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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