you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
