her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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