he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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