We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
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She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
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You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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