I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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