Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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