Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
