her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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