Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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