I'm lost and stupid without you.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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