It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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