Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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