Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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