i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
