I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
