i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
