The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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