this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He kissed a someone with a penis
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
