Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
