the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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