My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am available for nakedness
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize