i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
