Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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