Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
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I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
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who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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