i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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