saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
