in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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