life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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