you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
