i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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