he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
