did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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