and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
