Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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