Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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